I got married last August to a wonderful man, who also happened to have two children. I knew by the time of the wedding that he was a full package deal, with lots of ex-wife and "kid" baggage, and I was prepared to take it all on. By the time of our wedding, his 15-year-old daughter decided not to come because we wouldn't let her boyfriend come and stay in a hotel with her (!!). The drama of the ex-wife and the kids was fairly constant, and we (my husband and I - and to save time, let's just call him M from now on, k?) Nevertheless, I loved my soon-to-be husband more than anything and knew he was worth it.
Our house is much different that their mom's. We have rules and structure. We expect homework and chores to be done before free time (although we are pretty relaxed about free time!). We believe in consequences for actions - good and bad. My kids are used to it, as they've been around it for a long time! His kids - not so much. And they don't like it! I wouldn't either - they can go to their mom's and do whatever they want. No consequences, no discipline, and then we are the bad guys.
After the wedding - in fact, THE DAY we got back - the drama started on a level I had not seen before. The girls called that day and wanted to come over because they hated their mom. Since then, the oldest SK has gone between loving us to hating us about a million times. She's done drugs, had sex with multiple partners, lied about many things, blamed all her problems on her dad, and runaway. She's been pulled out of school because she was so hated by everyone at school for sleeping with people's boyfriends. She's going to online school and failing everything. When this all first happened, we offered to help if (and only if) her mother agreed to let us take care of the education and follow our rules and consequences. She did at first, and then stopped - and told her daughter she didn't have to come over anymore. She's gone from all A's and B's to failing many classes, and she won't talk to her dad anymore. It's truly been a mess.
The youngest has also had a big year: lying, crying, coming "out" as a bisexual, and cutting herself and blaming it on her dad. She's in counseling now and hopefully will be for a while. She's a great kid, just confused right now.
I wonder, sometimes, if I would have done this if I KNEW at the beginning how much work it would be and how hard it would be. It's been so hard on our marriage - we are still newly married, and I wonder at times if it will work out. His daughters blame all their current problems on me and us being married, and I know I don't deserve it... but it's hard anyway. Their mother, who works at my former bank, says awful things about me, my kids, and my husband and has not only messed around with my bank accounts (that's why it's my FORMER bank), but also my children's. She goes from one day to the next claiming we are best friends (to my embarassment and horror) to saying horrible things about me to people I work with who happen to go to the bank where she works.
I love my husband so much, but it's harrrrrrrd. Very hard! The best way I've found to deal with this is to just let HIM deal with it. I don't answer his ex-wife or kids phone calls. They have been so disprespectful and cruel to both me and him that I don't feel I have to answer the calls - I wouldn't with anyone else, especially someone in my own family! I spent a long time trying to please my husband regarding his kids, and this led to me being sort of a doormat, which consequently led to a lot of other problems. I was angry and depressed all the time. By limiting the way I interact with them and letting these duties fall to my husband, I've cut out 95% of the drama that was coming along with this. It's still VERY hard for my husband and I to talk about his girls and any kind of discipline -so I try to limit this too, while we work on our issues with this in counseling.
Being a stepmother, especially to teen or preteen girls, is hard. I've NEVER done anything harder in my life, and there is actually nothing to show for the effort. If you are in this situation, how do you deal with it? What has worked? What hasn't?
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