I was reading a blog the other day in which the MOST. DREADFUL. SONG. EVER. was mentioned (and I won't repeat it here, for fear that it will, like it did with me, get stuck in your head FOREVAH, but it was sung by HEART and it's HORRRRRRRRRIBLE and it doesn't even make any fucking sense - walked in a garden??? Planted a tree?? WHATTTTTT?????). If you are interested, it's over at Smart Bitches. Check it at your own risk.
And so, dear everyone, I'm going to annotate the hell out of another horrible song that makes no sense, and throw some theory at it, in an attempt to bring some much-needed clarity to a tune that truly needs it: Meatloaf's I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That). Hmph. Even the stupid title is problematic. That's him in the picture. Clearly, a creepy dude, although I saw in in a "GO PHONE" commercial last night and he looked normal. Which makes the song even more awful.
Here it goes:
And I would do anything for love,
I'd run right into hell and back,
First problem: Why would love require you to run to hell? Who are you dating?
I would do anything for love,
I'll never lie to you and that's a fact.
But what if you are lying right now? He sounds shady. Hey, is this my ex?
But I'll never forget the way you feel right now,
oh no, no way,
Hmm. Feel how? Emotionally? Physically? Does she feel lumpy? So confusing?
And I would do anything for love,
But I won't do that, No I won't do that.
Won't do what? Feel her anymore? Because you sound retarded and gross and she probably doesn't want you to touch her anymore.
And some days it don't come easy,
EWWWWWW! Too much! So many comments my head might explode! BWAAAHAHAH!
And some days it don't come hard,
Oh, see, here is your problem. Erectile Dysfunction. Now the song takes on new meaning.
Some days it don't come at all,
Maybe you should talk to you doctor about Cialis, and then you and she can sit naked in two bathtubs on a hill outside with no visible source of water and hold hands.
and these are the days that never end,
Perhaps the Cialis resulted in one of the never-ending erections. See? Looking at the song with a "Penis is Broken" lense, it makes much more sense. I shall call this new critical theory "The Busted Pecker" theory. It will revolutionize the way people interpret literature. And song lyrics.
And some nights you're breathing fire,
Huh. Why? Are you a dragon?
And some nights you're carved in ice,
Who - you or the girl? Is she really an ice sculpture and that is the problem? When you try to approach her with your busted member, there is shrinkage???
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again,
Like a one-time viewing of a kinkaju at the zoo??
And maybe I'm crazy,
Ya think?
Oh it's crazy and it's true,
I agree. Sing it hard, Meatloaf.
I know you can save me,
no one else can save me now but you.
How? Why? Is she like the Wonder Twins, and only when you yell "WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE" can anything cool happen, but she is the one who is doomed to being the stupid form-of-water dope and that's why she's an ice sculpture? And then can you turn into animals? Because you do sort of look like a Manatee. In a good way, of course.
As long as the planets are turning,
I am pretty sure it still is. Yes, so you'll love her forever blabla bla. Hey, how do ice sculptures have sex?
As long as the stars are burning,
blaaaaaaahhhh
As long as your dreams are coming true,
Uh.... if she's an ice sculpture with a busted-dick boyfriend, I seriously doubt her dreams are coming true.
you better believe it!
Blaaaaahhhhhhh
And I would do anything for love,
Oh, I would do anything for love,
Oh, I would do anything for love,
But I won't do that,No, I won't do that.
Wait a minute. Just hold on here. If you are the WONDER TWINS and you love her but with the ice/dick problem... AAAAACCCCCCKKK!!!! GROSS! THIS SONG IS ABOUT INCEST! THAT'S WHAT HE CAN'T DO! OH GOD! THIS SONG IS EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!!
I would do anything for love,
Oh, I feel sick
Anything you've been dreaming of,
It's like a fucking V.C. Andrews novel
But I just won't do that
Yes you would.
And some days I pray for silence,
I pray for your silence too... Oh, seriously... so nauseous
And some days I pray for soul,
Like, having a soul, a having "soul"? Because I kind of think you probably won't ever have the latter? You just aren't that cool. Neither am I, but I don't pray for it. Who do you pray to for "soul"? Barry White?
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll,
OH, Okay. So yes, you do pray to Barry White. And possibly Bon Jovi and Led Zeppelin.
And maybe I'm lonely,
Well, duh. You love your sister and have ED. Problems, dude. SERIOUS PROBLEMS. Dr. Phil would be ALL OVER your ass.
That's all I'm qualified to be,
Clearly you are also qualified to be a member of soem strage cult.
There's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep.
Whaaaaaat on earth could this promise be? I have no idea!
As long as the wheels are turning,
What wheels? Because my wheels are spinning like a freaking YOYO right now.
As long as the fires are burning,
Like the fire in your busted SATAN CROTCH?
As long as your prayers are coming true,
Wait, wait, wait - prayers to who? Barry White? Satan Crotch?
You better believe it!
I don't wanna believe any of this.
That I would do anything for love,
Ohhh, THAT promise. I was worried before that I would NEVER GUESS THE PROMISE.
And you know it's true and that's a fact,
Dooooo you? I suspect him of lying. I think he's also saying this to your archrival, the other WONDERTWIN BROTHER. So I guess that would make you WONDERTRIPLETS.
And I would do anything for love,
Watch your back, you poor ice-sculpture-doomed-to-no-sex-with-anyone-not-even-your-brother girl.
And there'll never be no turning back
Well, no. Probably not. I saw a couple like this on Dateline NBC. You probably could end up there.
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you,
Just spit my Chai tea on my keyboard.
so long, so long,
I think he's awfully optimistic and delusional about his busted weiner.
And I would do anything for love,
Oh, I would do anything for love,
Yea, we know.
I would do anything for love,
Make it stop! Oh, God, THE HORROR!
But I won't do that, No, no, no, I won't do that.
Don't deny it, man!
[Girl] -what??? she has a voice? Ice Sculpture SPEAKS!!!
Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Oh. She's clearly on a table at a party, in the shape of a swan. And now she wants him to move her? Perhaps put her on the back of his rockin' Harley?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
That will probably be necessary because everyone knows you are brother and sister, and of course, you need to escape the other Wonder Brother.
Will you make it all a little less cold?
Bwaaaahahahahahaha! She's so totally a swan sculpture!! She's FREEZIN! Don't get too warm, or you'll melt all over your LOVER BROTHER!
[Boy]I can do that! I can do that!
Sounds like a panting dog. We should rename him Fido.
[Girl] Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
What fantasies to swan-ice-sculpture incestuous girls have? I was feeling so sorry for her, and she's just as messed up as he is. So sad. I though she was a victim of bad circumstances, but no....
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Oh GAWD. OH NOOOOO - too awful - so many horrid things I can comment on right now that I cannot choose just one. Maybe he should just put her in a freezer. Maybe they just both get put in the freezer.
Will you take me places I've never known?
Like Poughkeepsie? Or Pocatello? Maybe the Mormon Ranch in Texas would be the most appropriate place for these two.
[Boy] Now I can do that! Oh oh now, I can do that!
Down, boy.
[Girl] I know the territory, I've been around,
Slutty ice sculpture. Probably slept around at every wedding she's been at.
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down,
What will turn to dust? You will turn to WATER. Is this some incomprehensible allusion to The Wastel Lnd that nobody can understand? What's going to turn to dust? Help me out here!! Is the other WonderBrother a wood chainsaw sculpture, as seen on the back roads of rural Idaho? Is he lying in a pile of his own dust?
Sooner or later, you'll be screwing around.
Do you have another sister you haven't mentioned before??? Maybe she's the one in a pile of dust. Or maybe she doesn't enjoy housework.
[Boy] I won't do that! No, I won't do that!
Seriously, he's a freaking dog. Like a big stupid Lab.
Anything for love, Oh, I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love, But I won't do that.
Oh man. You both would do it. You know you would.
I need to go take a shower now. In a nutshell, the song CLEARLY is about a man and an ice sculpture sister with a sexual and existential crisis going on, with themes of incest, motorcycles, and Barry White sprinkled liberally throughout. I'm so glad my $80,000 of student loans have served such a useful purpose. :)
