File folders and tampons and knees - oh my!

This is how I started my day yesterday.

I got to work.
I printed out my schedule.
I picked up a file folder and got a giant, nasty papercut on my palm.
It started bleeding like hell.
I opened my purse to grab a tissue to staunch said bleeding, completely forgetting I had stuffed it full of tampons to avoid a "bad situation" at work (as I had experienced the previous day, in which there were no tampons to be found anyyyyyyyywhere).
Tampons came flying out of my purse and started raining down on me and everywhere in my cube.
I started running around MY CUBE (imagine that), trying to pick up the tampons that were getting sprinkled with paper-cut blood before my coworkers saw.
I heard the printer and ran to grab my schedule before anyone else felt the need to get up and tend to the printer.
And I fell. Hard. On my face, between all the cubes, with people up and down the hall staring at me.
And my coworker - you know, one of the ones that I was trying to make sure DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, yelled "OH MY GOD!!!" so even more people popped up to see what the ruckus was.
I crawled back to my cube, in pain and ready to throw up, and sat amongst the tampons, hoping to die.

I did not die. Sigh.

How was your day?

On Being an Evil Stepmother

I got married last August to a wonderful man, who also happened to have two children. I knew by the time of the wedding that he was a full package deal, with lots of ex-wife and "kid" baggage, and I was prepared to take it all on. By the time of our wedding, his 15-year-old daughter decided not to come because we wouldn't let her boyfriend come and stay in a hotel with her (!!). The drama of the ex-wife and the kids was fairly constant, and we (my husband and I - and to save time, let's just call him M from now on, k?) Nevertheless, I loved my soon-to-be husband more than anything and knew he was worth it.

Our house is much different that their mom's. We have rules and structure. We expect homework and chores to be done before free time (although we are pretty relaxed about free time!). We believe in consequences for actions - good and bad. My kids are used to it, as they've been around it for a long time! His kids - not so much. And they don't like it! I wouldn't either - they can go to their mom's and do whatever they want. No consequences, no discipline, and then we are the bad guys.

After the wedding - in fact, THE DAY we got back - the drama started on a level I had not seen before. The girls called that day and wanted to come over because they hated their mom. Since then, the oldest SK has gone between loving us to hating us about a million times. She's done drugs, had sex with multiple partners, lied about many things, blamed all her problems on her dad, and runaway. She's been pulled out of school because she was so hated by everyone at school for sleeping with people's boyfriends. She's going to online school and failing everything. When this all first happened, we offered to help if (and only if) her mother agreed to let us take care of the education and follow our rules and consequences. She did at first, and then stopped - and told her daughter she didn't have to come over anymore. She's gone from all A's and B's to failing many classes, and she won't talk to her dad anymore. It's truly been a mess.

The youngest has also had a big year: lying, crying, coming "out" as a bisexual, and cutting herself and blaming it on her dad. She's in counseling now and hopefully will be for a while. She's a great kid, just confused right now.

I wonder, sometimes, if I would have done this if I KNEW at the beginning how much work it would be and how hard it would be. It's been so hard on our marriage - we are still newly married, and I wonder at times if it will work out. His daughters blame all their current problems on me and us being married, and I know I don't deserve it... but it's hard anyway. Their mother, who works at my former bank, says awful things about me, my kids, and my husband and has not only messed around with my bank accounts (that's why it's my FORMER bank), but also my children's. She goes from one day to the next claiming we are best friends (to my embarassment and horror) to saying horrible things about me to people I work with who happen to go to the bank where she works.

I love my husband so much, but it's harrrrrrrd. Very hard! The best way I've found to deal with this is to just let HIM deal with it. I don't answer his ex-wife or kids phone calls. They have been so disprespectful and cruel to both me and him that I don't feel I have to answer the calls - I wouldn't with anyone else, especially someone in my own family! I spent a long time trying to please my husband regarding his kids, and this led to me being sort of a doormat, which consequently led to a lot of other problems. I was angry and depressed all the time. By limiting the way I interact with them and letting these duties fall to my husband, I've cut out 95% of the drama that was coming along with this. It's still VERY hard for my husband and I to talk about his girls and any kind of discipline -so I try to limit this too, while we work on our issues with this in counseling.

Being a stepmother, especially to teen or preteen girls, is hard. I've NEVER done anything harder in my life, and there is actually nothing to show for the effort. If you are in this situation, how do you deal with it? What has worked? What hasn't?

Annoying Song Annotations, #1

I was reading a blog the other day in which the MOST. DREADFUL. SONG. EVER. was mentioned (and I won't repeat it here, for fear that it will, like it did with me, get stuck in your head FOREVAH, but it was sung by HEART and it's HORRRRRRRRRIBLE and it doesn't even make any fucking sense - walked in a garden??? Planted a tree?? WHATTTTTT?????). If you are interested, it's over at Smart Bitches. Check it at your own risk.

I realized that, as I come close to getting my Master's Degree in English, that the only true skill I am taking from this degree is writing (hey look! I'm practicing it right now!!!) and annotating useless shit. Even better, I get to thrown meaningless "critical theory" at whatever I want! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

And so, dear everyone, I'm going to annotate the hell out of another horrible song that makes no sense, and throw some theory at it, in an attempt to bring some much-needed clarity to a tune that truly needs it: Meatloaf's I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That). Hmph. Even the stupid title is problematic. That's him in the picture. Clearly, a creepy dude, although I saw in in a "GO PHONE" commercial last night and he looked normal. Which makes the song even more awful.

Here it goes:

And I would do anything for love,

I'd run right into hell and back,

First problem: Why would love require you to run to hell? Who are you dating?

I would do anything for love,

I'll never lie to you and that's a fact.

But what if you are lying right now? He sounds shady. Hey, is this my ex?

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now,

oh no, no way,

Hmm. Feel how? Emotionally? Physically? Does she feel lumpy? So confusing?

And I would do anything for love,

But I won't do that, No I won't do that.

Won't do what? Feel her anymore? Because you sound retarded and gross and she probably doesn't want you to touch her anymore.

And some days it don't come easy,

EWWWWWW! Too much! So many comments my head might explode! BWAAAHAHAH!

And some days it don't come hard,

Oh, see, here is your problem. Erectile Dysfunction. Now the song takes on new meaning.

Some days it don't come at all,

Maybe you should talk to you doctor about Cialis, and then you and she can sit naked in two bathtubs on a hill outside with no visible source of water and hold hands.

and these are the days that never end,

Perhaps the Cialis resulted in one of the never-ending erections. See? Looking at the song with a "Penis is Broken" lense, it makes much more sense.  I shall call this new critical theory "The Busted Pecker" theory.  It will revolutionize the way people interpret literature.  And song lyrics.

And some nights you're breathing fire,

Huh. Why? Are you a dragon?


And some nights you're carved in ice,

Who - you or the girl? Is she really an ice sculpture and that is the problem? When you try to approach her with your busted member, there is shrinkage???

Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again,

Like a one-time viewing of a kinkaju at the zoo??


And maybe I'm crazy,

Ya think?

Oh it's crazy and it's true,

I agree. Sing it hard, Meatloaf.

I know you can save me,

no one else can save me now but you.

How? Why? Is she like the Wonder Twins, and only when you yell "WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE" can anything cool happen, but she is the one who is doomed to being the stupid form-of-water dope and that's why she's an ice sculpture? And then can you turn into animals? Because you do sort of look like a Manatee. In a good way, of course.

As long as the planets are turning,

I am pretty sure it still is. Yes, so you'll love her forever blabla bla. Hey, how do ice sculptures have sex?


As long as the stars are burning,

blaaaaaaahhhh

As long as your dreams are coming true,

Uh.... if she's an ice sculpture with a busted-dick boyfriend, I seriously doubt her dreams are coming true.

you better believe it!

Blaaaaahhhhhhh

And I would do anything for love,

Oh, I would do anything for love,

Oh, I would do anything for love,

But I won't do that,No, I won't do that.

Wait a minute. Just hold on here. If you are the WONDER TWINS and you love her but with the ice/dick problem... AAAAACCCCCCKKK!!!! GROSS! THIS SONG IS ABOUT INCEST! THAT'S WHAT HE CAN'T DO! OH GOD! THIS SONG IS EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!!

I would do anything for love,

Oh, I feel sick


Anything you've been dreaming of,

It's like a fucking V.C. Andrews novel

But I just won't do that

Yes you would.

And some days I pray for silence,

I pray for your silence too... Oh, seriously... so nauseous

And some days I pray for soul,

Like, having a soul, a having "soul"? Because I kind of think you probably won't ever have the latter? You just aren't that cool. Neither am I, but I don't pray for it. Who do you pray to for "soul"? Barry White?

Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll,

OH, Okay. So yes, you do pray to Barry White. And possibly Bon Jovi and Led Zeppelin.

And maybe I'm lonely,

Well, duh. You love your sister and have ED. Problems, dude. SERIOUS PROBLEMS. Dr. Phil would be ALL OVER your ass.

That's all I'm qualified to be,

Clearly you are also qualified to be a member of soem strage cult. 

There's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep.

Whaaaaaat on earth could this promise be? I have no idea!

As long as the wheels are turning,

What wheels? Because my wheels are spinning like a freaking YOYO right now.


As long as the fires are burning,

Like the fire in your busted SATAN CROTCH?

As long as your prayers are coming true,

Wait, wait, wait - prayers to who? Barry White? Satan Crotch?


You better believe it!

I don't wanna believe any of this.


That I would do anything for love,

Ohhh, THAT promise. I was worried before that I would NEVER GUESS THE PROMISE.

And you know it's true and that's a fact,

Dooooo you? I suspect him of lying. I think he's also saying this to your archrival, the other WONDERTWIN BROTHER. So I guess that would make you WONDERTRIPLETS.

And I would do anything for love,

Watch your back, you poor ice-sculpture-doomed-to-no-sex-with-anyone-not-even-your-brother girl.

And there'll never be no turning back

Well, no. Probably not. I saw a couple like this on Dateline NBC. You probably could end up there.

But I'll never do it better than I do it with you,

Just spit my Chai tea on my keyboard.

so long, so long,

I think he's awfully optimistic and delusional about his busted weiner.

And I would do anything for love,

Oh, I would do anything for love,

Yea, we know.

I would do anything for love,

Make it stop! Oh, God, THE HORROR!

But I won't do that, No, no, no, I won't do that.

Don't deny it, man!

[Girl] -what??? she has a voice? Ice Sculpture SPEAKS!!!

Will you raise me up, will you help me down?

Oh. She's clearly on a table at a party, in the shape of a swan. And now she wants him to move her? Perhaps put her on the back of his rockin' Harley?

Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?

That will probably be necessary because everyone knows you are brother and sister, and of course, you need to escape the other Wonder Brother.

Will you make it all a little less cold?

Bwaaaahahahahahaha! She's so totally a swan sculpture!! She's FREEZIN! Don't get too warm, or you'll melt all over your LOVER BROTHER!

[Boy]I can do that! I can do that!

Sounds like a panting dog. We should rename him Fido.

[Girl] Will you cater to every fantasy I got?

What fantasies to swan-ice-sculpture incestuous girls have? I was feeling so sorry for her, and she's just as messed up as he is. So sad. I though she was a victim of bad circumstances, but no....

Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?

Oh GAWD. OH NOOOOO - too awful - so many horrid things I can comment on right now that I cannot choose just one. Maybe he should just put her in a freezer. Maybe they just both get put in the freezer.

Will you take me places I've never known?

Like Poughkeepsie? Or Pocatello? Maybe the Mormon Ranch in Texas would be the most appropriate place for these two.

[Boy] Now I can do that! Oh oh now, I can do that!

Down, boy.

[Girl] I know the territory, I've been around,

Slutty ice sculpture. Probably slept around at every wedding she's been at.

It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down,

What will turn to dust? You will turn to WATER. Is this some incomprehensible allusion to The Wastel Lnd that nobody can understand? What's going to turn to dust? Help me out here!! Is the other WonderBrother a wood chainsaw sculpture, as seen on the back roads of rural Idaho? Is he lying in a pile of his own dust?

Sooner or later, you'll be screwing around.

Do you have another sister you haven't mentioned before??? Maybe she's the one in a pile of dust. Or maybe she doesn't enjoy housework.

[Boy] I won't do that! No, I won't do that!

Seriously, he's a freaking dog. Like a big stupid Lab.

Anything for love, Oh, I would do anything for love,

I would do anything for love, But I won't do that.

Oh man. You both would do it. You know you would.

I need to go take a shower now. In a nutshell, the song CLEARLY is about a man and an ice sculpture sister with a sexual and existential crisis going on, with themes of incest, motorcycles, and Barry White sprinkled liberally throughout. I'm so glad my $80,000 of student loans have served such a useful purpose. :)

A Hamlet-ian Visual Aid

And, here - just to make life easier- is a fun way to see Hamlet.

As performed by the Simpsons.